Sometimes, reality can be more absurd than fiction. How else can you explain why the best team in basketball is the Atlanta Hawks and Channing Frye has become one of the league’s top three-point shooters? Sure, less than a month of the NBA season has passed. Nonetheless, we’ve already been treated to a plethora of headlines.
The bad news is that an overwhelming number of these stories seem to be about how badly things are going for a number of franchises across the league. Even the “good” teams aren’t free from turmoil right now, and each day it seems that there are fewer teams that can be given a clean bill of health. It’s as if a number of players, coaches, and GMs boarded that plane from the first Final Destination movie. They may have made it off the plane safely, but death is slowly coming around to cause their demise in strange and unusual ways. Is anyone safe? What sick punishments must these teams and their fans go through this season?
Memphis Grizzlies:
A team that was in dire need of wins and a serious boost in ticket sales decided to sell the farm on Allen Iverson and Zach Randolph, all the while neglecting their star Small Forward Rudy Gay. The team is now off to a 2 – 8 start, rookie Hasheem Thabeet looks like a bonafide draft bust, and Allen Iverson has officially parted ways with the team after several days of being AWOL. As for Rudy Gay, the team’s leading scorer? Still unsigned.
Cause of death: Team panics after losing Allen Iverson and offers deal to Stephon Marbury.
New Jersey Nets:
After a surprising run last season and some inspired play from PG Devin Harris and rookie Brook Lopez, the Nets looked like a team with a solid, young nucleus to build on over the next few seasons. Instead, a third of their roster has been unable to play either due to injury or illness. The result: a winless record through ten games and the worst start the franchise has ever seen. You know it’s bad when minority owner Jay-Z pens a song called Empire State of Mind and still can’t find room to mention his own team, opting to rap a few bars about the Knicks instead.
Cause of Death: Jay-Z sells stake in team to Souljaboytellem.
New York Knicks:
With so much focus on what the team wants to do next season, the Knicks have seemingly done nothing at all to start this season off right. It took until the 11th hour of the offseason to re-sign the team’s two best players, Nate Robinson and David Lee. Stephen Curry, the player the Knicks coveted most in the draft, was taken with the pick ahead of theirs. To top things off, months of talks about signing Ramon Sessions away from the Milwaukee Bucks amounted to nothing. The Knicks now own the third worst record in the league and Mike D’Antoni can’t get his team to focus on the season at hand. And what’s with these rumors about Iverson coming to New York? At least LeBron’s coming… right? Right?!?
Cause of Death: After looking at his options, LeBron James decides to quit the NBA to go to school and play college ball for the Florida International Golden Panthers, coached by Isiah Thomas.
Cleveland Cavaliers:
Expectations were high for the Cavs when they acquired Shaquille O’Neal this offseason, but the team got off to a rough start, starting the season with back-to-back losses. Now questions are swirling about whether or not Shaq is a good fit for the team, how his game may not mesh well with that of LeBron’s, and whether or not the team is good enough to beat Orlando or Boston. The real problem might be Mike Brown’s awful playbook (read: isolation for LeBron James, everyone else move out of the way), but nobody in the front office will say it. With this possibly being the last year LeBron James might play in Cleveland, this year holds a lot of uncertainty for the Cavs.
Cause of Death: Cavs lose LeBron. Mike Brown counters by running isolation plays for Delonte West all-game long.
Los Angeles Clippers:
With the high expectations given to the Clippers before the start of the season, it shouldn’t be surprising to Clipper fans that this season has began not so unlike seasons of the past. The team lost a number of close games to begin the season 0 – 4 and followed up a three-game winning streak by losing the next three. Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon may be injured, but the real problem lies in Mike Dunleavy’s playbook, where the plan is to run the same isolation play so often that opposing teams can plan against it in late quarters. With two years left and Donald Sterling’s reluctance to bring on a new coach, another losing season could be likely for the Clips.
Cause of Death: Clippers organization finally fires Mike Dunleavy, replacing him with Mike Brown.
Los Angeles Lakers:
The world champions are not looking like the dominant team of last season. Without Pau Gasol, the team simply does not look like a contender, and the bench looks paper thin when guys like Josh Powell and DJ Mbenga have to play significant minutes. Even worse, the team looks old. Derek Fisher looks older than James Earl Jones when he has to defend opposing guards, and Phil Jackson refuses to start Shannon Brown or Jordan Farmar. There has been no team that has played more games over the past two seasons than the Lakers, and the fatigue is definitely starting to show.
Cause of Death: Hearing Kevin Garnett tell Michelle Tafoya how good she looks for the second time when they suffer another finals loss to the Celtics.
New Orleans Hornets:
Two seasons removed from having the best record in the Southwest division, the Hornets are now 2 – 8 and have recently fired head coach Byron Scott. Not only is the team mired in a funk, but Chris Paul, the team’s best player and quite possibly the best Point Guard in the entire league, is injured. Now there are talks on whether or not the Hornets would trade Paul and whether or not it is time to start the rebuilding process. How did it all fall apart so fast?
Cause of Death: Chris Paul’s honor of being named one of People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People in 2006 is overturned when they decide to instead award Ike Diogu.
Golden State Warriors:
When it rains, it pours, and for a team that has most likely had the most amounts of misfortune and disarray, it only seems to get worse. Stephen Jackson was just traded for a guy (Raja Bell) who might immediately opt for surgery instead of playing for the team, Don Nelson has had it with Monta Ellis and wants him traded, plus the team’s most efficient player, Kelenna Azubuike, is now out for the season. As for C.J. Watson catching the swine flu? That’s just salt on the wound.
Cause of Death: None. Even Death can’t come up with a worse outcome than what has already happened to the Dubs.
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